You plan for them since you're in year7, they make you think that they're so important then one day you're sat in an exam hall thinking CRAP. It is happening now... I am taking my GCSEs. And what better emotion to accompany this situation then that of panic. Thanks a lot mind, just when i needed to be calm, collected and focused you decide "nooo lets have some fun here, a good dose of panic, an anxiety attack or two, that'll do just fine". So in the middle of one of the most important exams of my life so far my body decides to go into a complete state of panic, sweaty palms, shaking hands. The lot!
I've never really been a very "nervous" person, up until about a year or two ago I was bubbly, confident, and without blowing my own trumpet I was clever. It was "my thing" academics, I was a bit sporty, a bit arty but what I was best at was the school stuff and I enjoyed it too. But as I got older and slowly gave up a few hobbies, had some hard personal stuff to deal with I became really unsure and unsettled about myself, no longer the bubbly confident person I used to be. More cautious, emotional, shy and nervous to some degree. As cliché as it sounds I felt like I needed to "find myself" and I wasn't exactly sure where to look. I contemplated putting an ad in a local paper "SHY, SAD AND CONFUSED TEEN LOOKING FOR FORMERLY CONFIDENT AND ASSURED SELF" but decided against that idea...
So as school became harder to deal with I turned to or rather turned on my mum, took everything out on her, used her as a counsellor, therapist, friend, confidante, the receiver of all my emotional outbursts. And it made me feel ten times worse because I knew that I picked THE worst times to talk about things and to have a heart to heart which normally ended in tears and/or me shouting. I felt all over the place, unable to cope with what everyone else seemed to be coping with just fine, exams, school, hormones. Everything which everyone has to face at some point during growing up. But for me I guess it just didn't come naturally.
Anyways the dreaded GCSEs came around and it was in the middle of the Biology exam I just started frantically flicking through the pages, unable to concentrate or even read or understand the questions, my heart started beating out of my chest and racing faster than it ever had before. My palms were sweaty, hands shaking so much I couldn't put the lid back on my pen and I could literally feel all the colour drain away from my face. The whole time all I could keep thinking of was how small the windows in the hall were and how I couldn't see much of the outside and I felt trapped with those high ceilings, stone walls and the vast sea of chairs occupied by busy students, racing through the paper which I had barely opened.
Eventually I put my hand up and said I didn't feel well and was taken out of the hall, was taken to the bathroom, given something to eat and when I felt better was taken back into the exam, that was such a scary experience, not knowing my own body or being able to understand what I was feeling or why I was reacting to the situation in that way. After that exam an extremely kind teacher helped me to overcome my problems and I ended up doing a couple of exams in a small classroom on my own with a teacher with the windows open and overlooking the field, and able to take breaks when the panic became too much. For the later exams I was back in the hall but sat at the back away from everyone else and near the open door with the reassuring breeze reminding me that I wasn't trapped in an iron vault and that outside these walls, nature and civilization hadn't ceased to exist...
So that is my GCSE story, not exactly the smoothest or most desired but it has helped me to overcome a lot of things that I didn't think I could cope with before, I have learnt a lot about myself and my own personal boundaries and I feel a sense of relief that together with that lovely teacher I overcame a huge obstacle. From now on I've taken a vow to myself to BE myself, not to listen to what other people say about me or how I should be or that I think too deeply about things, that is just who I am and up until know it's suited me just fine, I am a stronger person because through all the struggles in my life, small and large I have learnt to get to know myself and how I interact with those around me and with certain situations and it has made me so much stronger. Growing up isn't easy, not by any means but I guess there is a reason we all go through it because at the end of the day it makes us who we are and nothing can change that :)
Saskia
xx
